How Do You Celebrate A Birthday You Never Thought You’d Live To See?

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation, Disordered Eating, Body Shaming, Self-Harm Mention

My birthday is this month, and it doesn’t feel real. I am turning 25; the number feels unnatural, an awkward-shaped candy rolling around in my mouth I keep feeling the urge to spit out. How do you accept the reality of an adulthood you never thought you’d see because of chronic childhood Trauma and early Suicidal Ideation? This is a concept I have wrestled with for several years, and every year brings up different emotions and perspectives. Perhaps this year it feels more pronounced because of the milestones of the past year: I have graduated with my Bachelor’s, I am restarting Graduate School in the Fall, and I have established my online presence. I have built the foundations for my adult life working for and with the Psychosis Community—a future I didn’t think I would have. As I have built and continue to build this future, I draw upon the many difficult experiences of younger years and work to heal the wounds of Child and Adolescent Self. Those iterations of my Self feel at the same time both intimately familiar and deeply alien; I know her and I don’t. Who was I, and who am I now?

There is a deep element of Grief to this work. Grief for the Child/Adolescent Selves, what they missed out on, the pain they endured, etc—but also Grief for the Selves that never got to be. I never intended to become a Psychosis Advocate, I had intended to become a Neuroscientist since late Elementary School. When I started University, my goal was to get a BSc in Biology then move on to a PhD in Molecular Biology or Neuroscience. My goal was to do my PhD in Sweden and I was proficient in Swedish before my Psychotic Reset (the major Psychotic Episode that separates my childhood & adult Psychosis). I was a laboratory assistant studying Neurodegenerative Diseases my first two years of University, while I had an interest in Psychology I saw no future in it. I cried and screamed the night I realized I needed to change my Major—I filled out the application for the Psychology Major with tears in my eyes. It felt like giving up at the time. I fully believe in the work that I am doing, I think it is vital and that that widespread education about Psychosis and change in the Mental Health System will improve and even save lives. That does not mean that my path here was clear or easy or that I never feel a “What If…?” or never feel for who I used to be.

Being 25, solidly in my mid-20s and out of Undergrad is also bizarre because of my history of Suicidal Ideation. My 22nd birthday was little wild for me as it represented 10 years since the age I fully attempted Suicide; while I never got to the full attempt stage in college, I was hospitalized twice during that period for Active Ideation. The mental processing that I’ve made it, it’s done, I’m out alive—it’s A Lot. It’s not talked about enough the Trauma that being in Active, Chronic mental distress can leave. Psychosis can be Traumatizing but so can Suicidal/Self-Harm Ideation in my experience. I am alive, but I still feel like I am living on borrowed time.

In the past year I have also recently been diagnosed with Grave’s Disease, an Autoimmune Disease that causes overactivity of the Thyroid. I got it from a mix of my Lithium medication and unlucky genetics. I struggled with Eatings Disorders/Disordered Eating for around 10 years (ages 11-21), recovery coming with Dissociative Identity Disorder treatment (see this article for the full story). To treat Grave’s Disease, they have to suppress your Thyroid, which makes you gain weight. I’ve previously gained significant weight from my Antipsychotics, and gained about 20 pounds this years from my Grave’s treatment. When I gained weight from my Antipsychotics, it was about 100 pounds in 6 months, and I was horrible to myself because I still had Disordered Eating. This time, while the weight gain was still rapid, I was able to be very kind to my body and focus my attention on the medical and treatment aspects. It didn’t tear me apart mentally. This brought a lot of reflection to my younger self, especially my Adolescent Self, who was tormented for being the “Fat Girl” and how much I had internalized those messages as a young person and the Grief I felt for my Younger Self.

I’m living in the future I never thought I’d have. It’s incredible, it’s amazing, and it’s downright bizarre. For many years, all I wanted was to not be in so much pain anymore, and I did get my wish—but those kind of wounds leave scars. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, send a message to my Younger Selves that it really does get better—that she gets better.