Hospitalization Reflections: Inpatient Psychiatry Can Do Better
10,000 Miles To Lose You: Or, Rejection & Schizophrenia
On Empathy
Many people falsely believe that a lack of Empathy is a Symptom of Schizophrenia: it is not. I believe that this misconception comes from the conflation of the terms “Psychotic” & “Psychopath” in the vernacular, creating a crossover Stigma of Schizophrenia/Psychosis & Antisocial Personality Disorder. While a lack of Empathy is not a direct Symptom of Schizophrenia, this does not mean that having Schizophrenia cannot affect the way one experiences Empathy & perceives the Empathy of others.
Do I Finally Have A Healthy Relationship With Food? Reflections On A Reparative Experience
Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders, Bullying, Child Abuse
I have had a difficult relationship with food most of my life. From approximately the ages 11-21 I struggled with various Eating Disorders and sub-clinical Disordered Eating, going through periods of Restriction, Binge-Purging, & Bingeing. My Eating Disorder can be traced back to my Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) & early life Trauma;
A Guide To Travel With Schizophrenia/Psychosis
Traveling, especially International Travel, is something that many people think is out of reach for individuals with Schizophrenia/Psychosis. Since December 2021, I have traveled to New York City, Iceland (twice), Norway, the United Kingdom, and Australia.
Angels & The Aurora Borealis; Or, The Crossover Of The Supernatural & Psychosis
The hour is late and the moon is full. I have driven alone with my tour guide, an energetic old man, to the isolated low hills near Keflavik International Airport. On one side of the “road”, over the horizon is a huge full moon, one of biggest & brightest I have ever seen; on the other is us & our setup, and a small pond. We are trying to see & photograph the Aurora Borealis
Further Discussions On Embodiment In Schizophrenia
I have previously discussed in my writings the altered sense of embodiment that I experience because of my Schizophrenia, both here and on my podcast. Because of my Schizophrenia, how I orient myself in my body and experience my Body-As-Self is altered. Simultaneously, my consciousness feels very compartmentalized and I also feel boundary-less. I feel as though my Self reaches and touches everything and that I can feel and be a part of other objects. Nothing is Solid nothing is Certain.
A Return To Structural Dissociation
I’ve talked previously in my content about my experiences with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), particularly of my experiences as an Integrated System. The past couple of months I have been exploring my remaining Structural Dissociation/Fragments further, Fragments that I had previously not been aware of, and it is has been fascinating. This has been in tandem with a course project that I have been working on for one of my Graduate classes on Attachment Trauma and Systems Theories. My journey did not begin voluntarily, but rather as a necessity as Dissociative Symptoms began intruding on my life again. Before we dive into more recent events, let’s go over my experiences with DID proper…
October Ghosts
Trigger Warning: Suicide, Eating Disorder, Unreality, Bullying Discussion
The wind blows gently, causing yellow leaves to dance and swirl as they drop from maple trees. The blistering heat and oppressive humidity of the summer season have left and autumn has finally reached the mid-Atlantic. When I was a child, fall felt like new beginnings, more New Year than New Year’s Day. There was always a strong Hope in me that this would be the school year that I would find my Forever Friends, that I would be accepted, that the torment would stop—and each year my hopes were vanquished. Halloween was a high point for my young Schizotypal self, I loved imaginary play deeply, engaging in it longer than many of peers, and Halloween was a vivd, immersive experience for me.
On Family Estrangement: A Personal Dilemma
It’s very common for Schizophrenic & Psychotic people to struggle with their families—there’s even a clinical term for the negative attitude loved ones of Psychotic people often show, “Expressed Emotion”. Expressed Emotion is associated with poorer patient outcomes, and treatment for Schizophrenia/Psychosis often focuses on reducing it (de Mamani et al, 2021). Many Psychotic people also have Trauma histories that date back to childhood (Davis et al, 2016). From my personal experience having worked with this Community for several years now, Familial Estrangement of some form honestly seems more common than the opposite.
Thoughts On “Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization”
I feel strangely hesitant in writing this; my mind feels tumultuous and colors of thought are swirling by too fast to fully grasp. I think many people in the United States are feeling similarly chaotic, confused, upset, etc. Today, the Supreme Court overturned “Roe v Wade”, undoing the Federal right to terminate a pregnancy (Medical Abortion). Laws on this matter are now up to individual states, many of which have had “Trigger Laws” in place to ban Medical Abortion should such a Decision occur.
Spirituality & Schizophrenia: Where Lines Blur & The Fabric Breaks
Trigger Warning: Heavy Discussion Of Religion & Spirituality, Discussion of Suicidal Ideation
I have Schizophrenia, and as I have discussed extensively here & on my other platforms, my life has filled with extraordinary as well as extreme experiences beyond normal reality. Throughout my life, going back to early childhood—just as my Schizophrenia does—are experiences of the Transcendental & the Sublime, experiences that straddle the line between Unreality & Beyond Reality
Pride Month Confessions
Pride Month always brings up difficult feelings for me. It is not a time that I find Happy or particularly Validating, and as a Content Creator I feel put in a difficult position during this time. But why? Why do I find this an uncomfortable and challenging time, when for others it feels Easy? I decided to take a couple of days to force myself face these demons, at least in part, and here is my reflection…
I have, at various points in my life, identified as: Asexual, Biromantic Asexual, Homoromanitc Asexual, Lesbian, Bisexual, Demigender, Genderfluid, Bi-Gender, Non-Binar , Cisgender Woman, & Queer. My sexuality, as I currently understand it, tends to be fluid…
Vignettes Of Mania
Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation/Behavior, Unreality, Detailed Descriptions of Psychiatric Experiences, Substance Use References
Age 13: You’ve only slept about 7 hours in the past 3 days, but that’s Okay. You feel fine, light as a feather, Elated. Life is Beautiful. You’re Healing. Yes, things are Getting Better. The light shining in from the hallway windows glitters and dances around you, and golden sparkles dance from your finger tips and feet as you make your way through the corridor…
Embodiment, The Self, & Schizophrenia
At its core, Schizophrenia involves a distortion of the sense of Self from what is considered “Normal” or most common. Schizophrenic people experience a break between our sense Us and Not Us, of the Preconscious and the Conscious. We do not carry a cohesive narrative of the Self the same way that others do, experiencing intrusions in the form of Delusions. The lack of differentiation between the Inner & Outer Self might also be responsible for symptoms like Thought Projection, the belief that others can read your thoughts. We do not experience the Embodied Self the same way non-Psychotics do, not connecting to our own bodies or others’ the same ways seen in Non-Psychotics. This leads to Symptoms such as Depersonalization, many of our Social Differences, and some Cognitive issues. (Szczotka & Majchrowicz, 2018; Tschacher, 2017)
But what does all that mean in real terms?
How Do You Celebrate A Birthday You Never Thought You’d Live To See?
Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation, Disordered Eating, Body Shaming, Self-Harm Mention
My birthday is this month, and it doesn’t feel real. I am turning 25; the number feels unnatural, an awkward-shaped candy rolling around in my mouth I keep feeling the urge to spit out. How do you accept the reality of an adulthood you never thought you’d see because of chronic childhood Trauma and early Suicidal Ideation? This is a concept I have wrestled with for several years, and every year brings up different emotions and perspectives. Perhaps this year it feels more pronounced because of the milestones of the past year: I have graduated with my Bachelor’s, I am restarting Graduate School in the Fall, and I have established my online presence. I have built the foundations for my adult life working for and with the Psychosis Community—a future I didn’t think I would have. As I have built and continue to build this future, I draw upon the many difficult experiences of younger years and work to heal the wounds of Child and Adolescent Self. Those iterations of my Self feel at the same time both intimately familiar and deeply alien; I know her and I don’t. Who was I, and who am I now?
The Feelings Behind Blunted Affect
They say I don’t show emotion Properly, as if there is such as thing as showing an emotion Properly.
They call my expressions “Flat”, my way of being is characterized as a disorder of “Deficit” or “Absence”.
Having An Eating Disorder Within The Context Of Schizophrenia & DID
Trigger Warning: Discussion of Eating Disorder, Child Abuse, Bullying, Delusional Thinking, and Self Harm
This week marks National Eating Disorder Awareness Week for 2022. Eating Disorders have been found to be more common among Schizophrenia Spectrum patients, with an association between Binge Eating and Antipsychotic usage (Sankaranarayanan et al, 2021). I personally struggled with various forms of Disordered Eating (DE) and acute phases of Eating Disorders (ED) for about 10 years, from the ages of 11-21. My experiences were related to my Schizophrenia, as well as the Dissociative Identity Disorder I experienced at the time.
Save The Earthworms: “Psychotic” People Aren’t What You Think We Are
When people say the words “Psychotic” or “Delusional”, they are not referring to a complex brain condition. Rather, they are using their tongue as a weapon to try and paint whoever it is they do not like or disagree with violent, irrational, and unreasonable. I’m pretty certain that I’ve heard the word “Psychotic” used as a pejorative more times in my life than I’ve heard it used by medical professionals, and I’m a diagnosed Schizophrenic. To these people, “Psychotic” is loose-cannon, it is unpredictable, volatile, and fearsome. In American society, “poor mental health” has become a throw-away for societies ills and violence.
When The Glass Shatters: What Happens When The Delusion Breaks
TW: Substance Use, Abuse/Bullying, Surveillance, Religious Delusions, Suicidal Ideation, Skin Picking Mention
The drop felt like release from an oxygen high. I felt Dissociated, dizzy, staring at my phone in a daze. For over 10 years I’d had this Delusion, and in one minute it had been definitively proven false.