Do I Finally Have A Healthy Relationship With Food? Reflections On A Reparative Experience
Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders, Bullying, Child Abuse
I have had a difficult relationship with food most of my life. From approximately the ages 11-21 I struggled with various Eating Disorders and sub-clinical Disordered Eating, going through periods of Restriction, Binge-Purging, & Bingeing. My Eating Disorder can be traced back to my Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) & early life Trauma; I had a Trauma-holding Alter that held the Eating Disorder, who used it as both a misguided Protective Mechanism & way to cope with pain. I have always been Overweight, & was bullied severely for it when I was younger. I was always considered “Ugly” when I was in school. Weight loss seemed to a younger version of myself a way to protect myself from abuse, & to obtain social acceptance. Treating my DID got rid of the Eating Disorder proper, but I still did not have a healthy relationship with food. I still had Food Anxiety/Fear Foods, overeating sweets, & issues with eating beyond fullness.
All of this was made more difficult by medical complications. At the time I was in DID treatment, I was rapidly gaining weight due to my Antipsychotics: over 100 pounds in a matter on months. I was eating a plant-based diet at the time & increasing my exercise, but was gaining weight beyond my control. I ended up stopping the plant-based diet the next year, as I was diagnosed with severe gastrointestinal issues. Even though my DID was resolved, the following year of dealing with the extreme weight gain & severe GI issues had created new alienation from my body. I decided I wanted to work on feeling connected to myself, & if not Body Love, Body Neutrality.
At the end of 2019, I was diagnosed with Pre-Diabetes, an unfortunate side effect of my Antipsychotics & the weight gain they caused. For the last several years I have been working with my doctors & have seen dietitians to manage the condition. While we have kept me from progressing into full Type II Diabetes, I have not been able to recover. I have been trying my best to eat a proper diet, but I realized recently, that I did not really know what a proper diet is.
Neither of my parents eat a well or really have a healthy relationship with food. When I was in Foster Care as a teenager, I was put on a “Diet” & forced to eat foods I was allergic to. I vomited on my Foster Parents’ tablecloth at the meal once because of this. I also heavily associate dieting & anything associated with “Healthy Lifestyle/Wellness” with my Eating Disorder & Abuse in Foster Care.
HOWEVER, I feel as though I finally got a healthy, moderate relationship with food modeled to me this past summer (or winter, as it was).
This past June, I traveled to Australia to visit my childhood best friend I had not seen in nearly 10 years. She & I went to school together while her father was stationed in DC for the Australian Navy. I spent two weeks staying with her & her family in Canberra, the capital of Australia. While I was there, I was given free access to the fridge and pantry; I was offered expensive wine (which I declined; I do not drink). Her mother cooked exquisite meals. I saw my friend & family serve themselves portions of healthy foods, & I was free to serve myself as much as I wanted, without judgement. I saw how my friend & her mom ate throughout the day & during meals, & began to mimic them. As my stay went on, I realized that I was having a healthy relationship with food modeled for me really for the first time in my life. A healthy relationship with food was modeled for me, but I was not judged for not fitting this mold right away. It was a healing experience both in learning a new way of eating, & in healing my Inner Teen from my time in Foster Care.
Since my return to The States, I have been making steps to keep up this healthier relationship & learned moderation. I signed myself & my dad up for meal delivery. Both of us are Disabled & preparing meals in a real challenge, & the brand I found gets us high-protein & vegetable rich meals without any kitchen cleaning. I have been making exercise a priority; I got an electric fan I can carry with me on walks around the neighborhood so I can still walk when its hot (I have heat intolerance from Antipsychotics). I have also been continuing to reflect on my experience & how it felt.
Staying with my friend & her family was a reparative experience. I feel that I now understand a healthy relationship with food & eating in moderation. These concepts had always been presented to me in a punitive or judgmental way growing up, & this drove me further into my Eating Disorder. Living around people acting these concepts out with no judgement I feel I finally understand & implement them myself.
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