October Ghosts
Trigger Warning: Suicide, Eating Disorder, Unreality, Bullying Discussion
The wind blows gently, causing yellow leaves to dance and swirl as they drop from maple trees. The blistering heat and oppressive humidity of the summer season have left and autumn has finally reached the mid-Atlantic. When I was a child, fall felt like new beginnings, more New Year than New Year’s Day. There was always a strong Hope in me that this would be the school year that I would find my Forever Friends, that I would be accepted, that the torment would stop—and each year my hopes were vanquished. Halloween was a high point for my young Schizotypal self, I loved imaginary play deeply, engaging in it longer than many of peers, and Halloween was a vivd, immersive experience for me.
That all changed when I was I was 12.
Around the time I turned 12, at the end of 6th grade, I began hearing constant Command Voices. these Voices were incredibly strong, powerful Voices that distressed me deeply. They were violent and demeaning, and were accompanied by Symptoms such as Thought Insertion & Thought Projection. The Voices contributed to the development of more severe Paranoid Delusions/Ideation, which really became chronic & embedded at this point. I was also dealing with other issues at the time, such as the worsening of my Disordered Eating, which was primarily manifesting as Anorexia at the time, my unknown Structural Dissociation, and major upheavals in my personal life. My dad had retired from public service in the US Federal Government at the beginning of 6th grade on medical retirement, drastically changing our financial situation, and my mother’s already terrible mental health was rapidly declining. In addition, my chronic pain disorders were worsening with the onset of adolescence, and I was struggling to be heard by any adult around me. I was extremely isolated on just about every level, and living in my own personal Hell from which I could not even escape in my own mind.
In October of 2009, I missed almost the entire month of school. I caught Swine Flu, appeared to recover, and then became severely sick again a few days later. My chronic illnesses and apparent Neurodivergence were common reasons I was bullied, so this was a nightmare are situation for me. Missing school meant unending questions and harassment from the other students, in addition to piles of make-up work. The fever I had while sick also induced many vivid, terrifying Hallucinations, and made the passage of time and location uncertain. The Flu itself also worsened the state of my then-untreated chronic pain disorders. It was at some point during all of this that I attempted Suicide by drowning in the bathtub. I was, obviously, unsuccessful.
That October continued to be surreal when Halloween came about. I was beginning to feel better from my second bout of the Flu, so I asked my dad to take me Trick-Or-Treating around our neighborhood. I had what I term a “Border” experience, where it felt like I was wading between This World and Another. The houses in my neighborhood appeared to float in a strange murk, the streetlights turned to orbs, and Dark and very Frightening creatures milled about between the people. It felt like I was stepping in between Realities, going into the Human world when I approached a house and into Another when I went to the sidewalk.
As 7th grade came to an end, I entered into a Religious Mania for 8th, and externalized my personal discomfort with Halloween/October from the year before into Everyone Else’s Problem. I decided that I had religious objection’s to the celebration of Halloween, and that it would keep me safe from the Voices and the Creatures if I was loud about how much I disliked the holiday. This did not win me any social capital and strained the friendships I was beginning to make that year. Getting older and beginning to understand my experiences through the lens of Psychosis/Hallucinations and mental health allowed me to drop this defense mechanism.
October gained new meaning for me in 2016, when I had my Psychotic Reset in October. “Psychotic Reset” is the term I use for the major episode that separates my childhood and adult Psychosis, I use this term instead of the more popular (but to my mind, stigmatizing) “Psychotic Break”.
I remember, I was seeing a counselor at the University Counseling Center, Ms. K. I had been seeing her since the beginning of First Year, but she was worried, as my Voice Hallucinations had been getting worse and she wanted me to see the Psychiatry office. At first I brushed Ms. K off, because I was already on several medications for my chronic pain at that point and did not want more. However, over the next week, several events began a spiral: a breakup with one of my only two friends, a stressful research presentation, a dental drill where the anesthesia did not take, and a organic chemistry exam where nothing seemed to stick…. The Voices were getting loud from all the stress, so when I saw her that fateful Tuesday, we made an appointment with Psychiatry together.
Too late.
I was very confused as I left her office, but somehow I made it to Intro Statistics, where I had an Out-Of-Body-Experience that was filled with Paranoid Delusional meaning. This frightened me, but thankfully I was meeting my remaining friend for dinner near my dorm directly afterwards. I held it together through dinner, but collapsed in my dorm afterward, crying and screaming like a banshee—I did not speak clearly for several hours. I don’t remember much, but I filled pages and pages of a notebook during the episode with scratchy writing about Voices, Shadow People, and Demons. My friend called campus 911 and campus police drove us the nearest hospital, and I was held in ER for 8 or 9 hours. My friend and priest stayed with me until my parents arrived from the DC area—I was in the Shenandoah Valley, which is only a few hours away but both my parents had pneumonia.
Do I regret these events? No, I do not. I look at my past Selves, these old Octobers, and see a Rose that has a lot to learn. A girl, and young woman that is in for a long ride. But I also feel great compassion for the pain I was in, and Trauma that created these events. I see these as forming events. I had to experience the pain and chaos of madness to make sense of it, to help others to do what I want to do.
And when I’m alone late on a windy night, when the Siren call of madness tickles back into my ears…”Let go again…”…?
Tighten the ropes about the mast.
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